Maybe it happens later in the day for you.
Maybe it's because of something stupid you did a decade ago, or because you just argued over the correct way to vacuum with your spouse, or your boss just demoted you, or you just got a speeding ticket, or maybe it's for no reason at all--you just woke up feeling ugly.
I had one of those days last week.
It was Saturday. And I had a reason for feeling like a bad person. I won't tell you the reason, but I will tell you this: I had a serious choice to make. I could do something difficult and fix the problem and then deal with the consequences, or I could not deal with the problem.
I considered not dealing with the problem and setting it aside until 'it would be easier.' Realizing this was a lie, because it would never 'be easier,' and just the thought of NOT dealing with it made me want to throw up, I dealt with the problem. It was not easy. The consequences came. I did not feel better after I dealt with it.
Maybe because I felt the most appropriate room for me was the one with the toilet in it, I went into our bathroom. It was while I was in there, that I realized I had been meaning to clean the toilet.
Now, you might call me weirdo, but the thought of cleaning the toilet, was strangely comforting. At that point in the day, I was feeling like the toilet and I were on the same level. Don't think too much about the metaphor and where I could go with that, just know I was feeling oddly close to the toilet, like I didn't deserve anything better than the toilet world had to offer.
And so I gathered my cleaning supplies.
I got the best-smelling ones I had. I got the best scrubber. I cleaned that toilet like it had just come home from school after being beaten up by the bully. I gave it all the tenderness I had in my toilet-bowl-scrubber-bearing wrist. I made sure every inch was as shiny as it would have been brand new.
I gave that toilet a fresh start.
And when I was finished, something incredible had happened. I hardly recognized my toilet. A brand new one had replaced the old one, and it was magnificent. It lit up the room...the whole bathroom felt different.
Now, don't think this is the first time I have cleaned my toilet. I have, I really have cleaned it before. Maybe it was just because I was feeling such empathy for the toilet, maybe that's why it was different this time.
What was even more incredible were the words I almost heard out loud:
"Caeli, if a toilet can go from what it was to what it is now, then certainly you can, too."
And so can you, even if you feel like you belong in the toilet.
The moral of the story is this: Next time you feel like a bad person, go clean something. Clean it really well. It will take effort and you might have to get down and dirty. It will probably be unpleasant. When you are finished, pull up a chair and look at what you just did. Notice how the worth of the blinds you just dusted, or the drawer you just organized, or the kitchen you just cleaned, like, doubled.
Now, go clean yourself--whatever that means to you. Go take a shower and do your hair, talk to your pastor or bishop or best friend, forgive someone, or ask for forgiveness, get a pedicure or write a letter, visit a sick person and bring them soup. If you still don't feel better, clean some more.
Also, you should remember these words that a wise man once said:
"Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap...yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?"
Thank you, toilet, for teaching me.
Love, C
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