HOPE'S STORY, PART 12: "DEAR DIARY"

23 Oct, 2011

Today Hope turned one month old.  What a little fighter she is.  Or maybe she is still soaking up the love that Tyler and I and everyone around her does their best to show.
Today was a good day for her.  We didn't have to give her any of the oxycodone.  She was relatively peaceful.  Tyler left at around 8am to go set up chairs for Stake/Regional Conference (church meeting) and came home soon after.


Last night at the evening session, President McMullin (one of the counselors in the stake presidency) spoke about Hope, and enduring, and increasing our faith, and moving forward.  I stayed at home with Hope but Tyler went and said it was a wonderful meeting.  He told me Elder Bednar (a modern-day apostle) spoke about the character of Christ--how at the very hardest times in His life He looked outward instead of inward.  Both in the garden and on the cross, as agonizing as those experiences were, he thought of those around him, not his own suffering.  On the cross he thought of forgiving those that had done this to him and thought of who would take care of his mother when he was no longer there.  In all he did he was outward--His light did not implode, even during the most difficult experience anyone has ever been asked to go through.
It was just what I needed to hear.
There are moments I get so filled up with what is in front of me--Hope's emaciated body, not being able to feed or take care of my daughter, her imminent death, and all the accompanying sorrow that comes with loss--that I forget what a blessing this is, and all the good and the hope and the Plan of Happiness and that she is still peaceful and that her spirit is alive and always will be and that the Lord is watching over this and in control.  And it's so easy to just think about me.
Well, this is not the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone and there are a hundred things worse that could be happening but aren't and I am not the first person to lose a child.
Aunt Celeste said something that made me feel better.  She said that we--Tyler and I--were probably in more pain than Hope has ever been in, meaning we are the ones worrying and fretting and sorrowing and Hope is just enjoying this time with only a few moments of discomfort.

Today, Tyler called me as soon as Regional Conference was over and said Bishop Peterson (our bishop) wanted to come up and visit.  When the Bishop came, he brought us the beautiful flower arrangement used at Conference and sat down and expressed all the love from the ward and stake.
We ended up speaking about Hope's funeral service.  We had considered at one time just doing a graveside service, but as we talked, he asked if we wouldn't consider having a viewing and a funeral service at the church.
This is why:  He told us Hope was changing lives.  Without disclosing the details for privacy's sake, he told us because of Hope, many people had come back to activity in the Church and been to the temple, that some had overcome addictions, that the whole ward had drawn so much closer together.  (Sister Pemberton in the stake Relief Society Presidency had said the same thing with tears in her eyes when she came to visit the previous week).
I am amazed at the effect one little girl can have on so many.  Hearing that there is so much good coming from her life makes me feel two things:
1)  gratitude and honor that Heavenly Father trusted us with her perfect life  (what if we HAD terminated her life like so many told us would be the wisest course?)
2) a desire to be better--to dismiss the sorrow and be better at looking outside myself like the Savior did.