"A week or so ago, I was having a rough night, filled with discouragement, thinking I wasn't strong enough to watch this, to endure faithfully, and for the first time in my life, I found myself becoming angry at Heavenly Father.
My thought was this: from the moment we found out we were pregnant, we began praying for our baby--that the child would have learned the things necessary to be faithful and righteous and that the child would develop properly. Even after we found out Hope had NOT developed properly I was ok with the Lord--it was not what I wanted, but I wasn't angry. I had also never asked in my prayers for Hope to be healed, because I never felt that that was the right thing to pray for.
On this night last week I was angry with the Lord, because I HAD asked that Hope would be comfortable and not have pain and this one little prayer--after not asking for all the others--had not been answered.
And I couldn't bear it.
I told Tyler why I was angry through my sobs. I can't remember what he said, but then I remember being angry at HIM because he was so much calmer than me."
Now before I go on, I need to explain something.
I want to say how much I feel that Heavenly Father is a more perfect father than we can dream of. And I mean that literally. He is perfectly understanding. He is perfectly patient. As I expressed my honest feelings in prayer that night, I felt what Chris Williams described. (Chris Williams lost his pregnant wife and two children in an accident caused by a drunk teenage driver.) He said:
"It's a very difficult thing to go through--to kneel down and desire to speak to my Father in Heaven when I'm so lonely or when I'm so anguished. It's an interesting conversation to have. He doesn't immediately try and make it better. He listens to me first...He allowed me to get that anger off my chest. But inevitably He would always come back and teach me about His Son, Jesus Christ."
When I told Heavenly Father how angry I was, He didn't try to fix it right away. He didn't wipe away my tears and say 'Stop crying.' He let me get that anger off my chest. He listened to me like my mom would listen to me when I had a nightmare, holding and hugging and listening and loving.
I think part of that love is that he pushes us. I used to get so angry at my soccer trainer, Rico, when he would tell me I had to do one more round of drills or suicides. Every morning I get so mad at Tyler when we exercise at the Patriot's stadium (where there are a million stairs) and he says I have to run another line of stairs or we are going around the cranberry bog (yes, there is a cranberry bog next to the New England Patriot's stadium) or parking lot one more time. (Ok, he doesn't say I have to, but HE does it and I feel like I have to.) These examples are less than perfect, but the principle is the same--they push me because they know me and care.
I believe that Heavenly Father pushes us with the perfect knowledge that We. Can. Do. It. and he wants US to see it. This says it just right:
Ok, I'm done now. Here is the end of the journal...
"This has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I feel the Lord is pushing me harder than he has ever pushed me before.
And again, I think much of this isn't about me.
If so much good can come from this for others, then I can bear my burdens. I think of Mary's example and how she must have felt being the mother of Jesus--the pain she went through watching His sufferings and how He was treated and realizing His life was for the world. I think of Emma Smith's faithful example as she had to bury five of her children and nevertheless lived a life of service.
As I've been preparing for Hope's death, I read a talk called Funerals: A Time for Reverence by Boyd K. Packer. He talks about the possibility of feeling not only peaceful about some dear one's death, but feeling exaltation about it. Every once in a while I feel that about Hope--I feel my spirit soar, a big feeling.
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| If you look at Hope's hand, it looks like she is signing 'I love you.' :) |
There is much good in this experience. I have to write about how it feels to snuggle with Hope--to have her on my tummy, her head snuggled in my chest, her hand around my finger and both of us resting, perfectly content--but I don't know how to say it. I haven't found the words to describe how it makes me feel to just hold her close. Or how it makes me feel when she holds my finger. Someone once told me the way a baby holds your finger is the baby's way of saying, 'Thank you for taking care of me.'
I like that."
4 comments:
A message I have been needing to hear. Thank you.
Caeli- the sharing of your most intimate thoughts & experiences is very inspirational. I thank you for your insight on how our trials can be "good things" in many other ways. I've been reading your entire entries in regard to this life experience you & Ty have had. I've thought about the 2 of you so many times all along this journey. I look up to you both. You're such great examples to me & so many others of how to live a Christlike life.
Dave & I have struggled with trying to conceive a baby at all,.. Even our attempts at invitro have been to no avail. I can't answer the questions of "why". Why if I want children so badly, why can drug moms & teens have them, others get pregnant on accident or on cue-just as planned & I can't seem to accomplish this one feat. It hurts a lot of the time. It's hard to watch others be so happy being pregnant or blessed w/children. I've even thought how lucky you and Ty have been ((that sounds horribly wrong to say)).
We are all "blessed" with our own individual trials in this life,.. Proving Our Father really does know us personally & what specific things we all stand in need of. I have been blessed in my life to be called to serve in the nursery, work as a Post-Partum/ Well-Baby Nurse, a NICU nurse, and currently just called to teach the Sunbeams. I chose to believe that My Father is aware of me & of the desires of my heart to be a mother,... All in His perfect time.
I love you both so much. I just wanted to thank you for sharing. For your uplifting thoughts, feelings, & messages,... And to ask your permission if I could share some of your blog with others?
Peace be with you,
Karisa
Karisa,
I stand in awe of you. I have a feeling, knowing who you are, that you have been a powerful influence for good on those around you, in some cases even because of the trial you are facing. My heart goes with you and Dave. Those Sunbeams and children in the NICU are double-blessed because of you. We had an incredible nurse who brought heaven into our hospital room, at a time when my soul was screaming. You may never know how you are relieving anguish, bringing light to darkness, and easing an unbearable burden. I love your faith, Karisa, and who you are.
Of course you can share any of this if it will help. It's part of the reason I wrote it. I think you should write your feelings and thoughts about what you have/are facing, if you haven't already. :)
Caeil, I can't even begin to relate to this story. Except for your feelings of loss. I felt some of what you are feeling when she left this earth. But, you need to know that your story and trials are completely uplifting me. Like I said, I can't relate, but Danny is deployed right now, he's been gone for almost 6 months, and they want to extend this deployment until January...that's almost a full year, we've only been together and married 6 months. I was in this terrible down spell, something no one would or should know about-so this is why I am telling you. You completely pulled me out of it, you saved my life. Your simple song you posted a while back, completely turned my heart around and soothed my soul. Your lessons and your faith made me get a grip on my self and turn it around. I know my trial sounds completely lame compared to your little loss here, but no one could help me - and YOU DID. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for always being this strong, beautiful woman that I envy so much and hope to aspire to be. Even on your down moments, you are so intuitive. I often think of Tyler, he was so there for me in a horrible stage of my life, I'll never forget his influence...we can always trust our husbands. Love you girl.
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